Channel 4 News at 11
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Our top story of the evening continues to be the shutdown of Wikipedia.
Protests continued for the fourth straight day in front of almost every major university in the United States. Demonstrators demanded that Jimmy Wales be made head of the FCC, and that a Constitutional Amendment be passed ensuring Net Neutrality forever. 21 states have so far agreed to pass such an amendment. And of course, that is a few states short of the necessary number, which is... Oh, for God's sake, Dave, you can't just leave a placeholder in the teleprompter that says "find a way to look up 'amendment to the constitution.'" Ok you know what? Just forget it, let's go to the next segment...
In other news, the stock market plummeted again sharply today, losing 8.1%. After the fourth day of the outage, a number of trading companies finally admitted to using Wikipedia to do market research and look up companies before investing. The only companies that seem to be doing well today are book publishers, who are hurriedly dusting off their encyclopedia printers and training door-to-door salesman as fast as possible. Additionally, economists claim that the large numbers of investors have been pulling their money out of investments in order to make donations in hopes of bringing the site back online. In a press release, investment magnate Warren Buffett, known for... Dave, seriously? Why did we even hire you?
You know what? Fine. We now go live to Correspondent Amanda Halpert in the field, outside the home of Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales. Amanda?"
"Thank you, Tom. I'm here on the sidewalks in the normally quiet suburban neighborhood where founder Jimmy Wales resides. A large crowd of well-wishers and reporters have gathered, waiting for any news of the site's return."
Camera pans over large crowd holding "We're sorry we didn't donate earlier!" signs
"Avid users of the site have been bringing flowers and gifts for Wales,"
*Pan over fence lined with flowers and teddy bears.
"But he had yet from emerge from his home or make any type of communication. The only message so far received is a large banner hung on the roof his home..."
Camera pans to Jimmy Wales' house, where "I warned you, jerks!" is written on a bedsheet.
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